Thinking Something Is True Doesn't Make It So

I thought I was being kind to myself when I let up on the self care routine I had been following. Using angst as a pass to consume ice cream and food items that are not in my best interest in lieu of healthy carbohydrates was dumb.  As I tried to reign in sadness of loss I lost sight of important truths.

I do not need the ice cream. I do not need the extra bagel in the meal plan either but I wanted them, immediately.  An occasional splurge is okay but it is not okay for me to have a daily reward system in the name of self soothing.

Food is not my friend. It is not my comfort. It is fuel - period.  Any other tag I want to put on a high carb count food it is a lie. I've had enough swings up and down the glucose meter and weight scales of obesity to know the difference between serving sizes, calories, fat grams, fiber, points, carbohydrate counts and so on. The pass I gave to myself was not binge eating, it was out of control eating, it was irresponsible weight monitoring and blatant disregard for my health.  I was screwing around where a smart woman should be proactively faithful.

Have you ever fooled yourself into believing you are not 'cheating' on your plan of eating?   I switched to many organic products. That's a good thing, right?

My dairy is free of hormones and the meat is fresh from local farmers. I'd tell myself "I'm doing a good thing." But, to be completely honest  I admit to you (and myself) that I have not been thoughtful or kind to my body, period.  My type 2 diabetes is not under good control.

I started this blog early in September while I continued irresponsible self care practices a while longer. My average BG #'s increased enough to put my A1-C at 6.4 or average of 160.  A "normal" reading would fall below 99 points. Twenty points above the range I have tried keep to reads failure.  Two hours after a meal when glucose numbers are generally at their highest level, I aim for 140. It is recommended by my doctor that I not swing more than 20 points either way in a day.  If the numbers are too high, cardio exercise and drinking water are the immediate aid to lowering the number.

A return to 'normalcy' began after several daily blood glucose tests were made. I was guided from one step to the next using the tools I already had available to me.  I turned to these: Friends,  Glucose monitor, test strips, exercise 30 minutes a day, low carbohydrate meals, blood work with a follow-up appointment with the doctor on the calendar.

Type 2 diabetes takes work and cooperation with my higher self. I used to think I will beat this diagnosis but I never have quite believed it.  I am working on those thoughts.  I want to BEAT this diagnosis.  I pray I will.  Some have been able to, so I am told.  In the mean time, I will not take time off for the good behavior. A successful run of good habits doesn't add up to a 'spending spree' of carbs and calories. This can be done a day at a time.

Reflections On A Saturday Morning in September

Ten years ago today there was no such think as Facebook, Twitter or even iPods!  It was a different world. We've all changed - we dared to rebuild and life went on. We have witnessed amazing bravery, love, courage, and agony. Just For Today, let us love one another and see where it will bring us.

On 9/10/2010

I was a different person. I had not yet turned 50. My mother was alive. I'd just quit smoking for the 3rd or 4th time. I had a system for working the business Alpha-Interiors my husband Vin and I own. I'd begun to enjoy the fruits of being an entrepreneur - I was choosing the time of day when I'd do my share of the work for the business.

I had high cholesterol and needed to increase exercise, lose weight, and stop living like I was going to last forever. I had a few medical conditions as a result of taking a diet drug that was removed from the market and the weight piled back on after I stopped taking the "magic" pill. I was afraid that my foolish attempt to lose weight with a magic pill would bring my life to a sudden end.

I was intentionally working on eliminating refined sugars and white flour from my system. To help me in my efforts to stay off cigarettes I was walking our young dog several times a day (actually she was walking me). Also, I spent several hours a week working at The Great American Stamp Store in Westport, CT as a sales clerk. The work at the store was a delight to me. I loved every minute.

We were preparing for a guest artist who was coming to teach at the store the next day. The classes were booked up solid as the guest's art rubber stamps were a popular commodity in the store. Then next day, I believe just one person who had signed up came to the classes. It was a solemn afternoon as we listened to the radio learned new techniques to apply to our rubber stamp art together.   

Just about a year later, I met a young mother who was a 9/11 widow.  We became friends.  She was pregnant with a second child on 9/11/2001 and had another young child as well.  Knowing her opened my world and my heart to meanings and appreciation for my own life that I am yet unable to put into words.  Today I’m reminded of a poem I wrote as a result of knowing such a courageous woman.  I will share it sometime if I can find where I put it for safekeeping.