The phone rang. The caller was inconsolable and I was unable to understand what was being said. It was my sister Debbie. She was screaming and crying all at the same time. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Then she started to scream out my nephew’s name over and over again.
"Nicky, Nicky, Nicky!!!"
"What?"
When panic hits the family I grew up in, we have specific roles we play. When panic hits, I go on high alert first. My armor comes out of the closet and I quickly lock in. Protected from all the unknowns I had never questioned this way of coping.
"Nicky, Nicky, Nicky".
"What? What are you saying. Debbie! Stop screaming. Breathe. Tell me what you want me to know".
"Nicky is dead!"
"Debbie, where did this come from?"
My sister Kim, Nicky’s mom was far away in Louisiana. She’d moved there with our niece Michelle just over a month before. Nicky had moved in with his Dad at the same time.
Debbie was still hard to understand and I was still wearing lots of armor. Memory gets unclear. I remember telling her I’d be right there. It was a five minute drive from my house to hers. I bet I made it in 3.
Nicky had been bike riding with a friend after school. It was a beautiful autumn afternoon in New England. The colors on the trees were vibrant with reds greens and yellows dancing on the trees showing off all the glory of nature. Riding downhill toward the main road, the duo turned onto route 33. Nicky took the turn too wide and a car smacked into him right then and there. He was thrown off his bike, landing a distance from the collision and was mortally injured.
The Ridgefield Emergency Services Team were on the spot as quickly as they could have been after being notified. I was told that the team revived Nicky nine times before arriving at Danbury Hospital but, my nephew was dead upon arrival.
I’m unclear who had contacted Deb. It may have been a friend of ours who was with the fire department at the time. It may have been Nicky’s father. I don’t know those details as I sit here this morning. All I know is that a horrible nightmare began for my sister Kim, my niece Michelle, Nick my former brother-in-law, those of us who were related to, knew and loved Nicholas DeRosa. Sudden loss of a loved one is unbearably tough. The sudden loss of a child is onerous. To lose your own child an incomprehensible cruelty.
I got to Debbie’s house with my two daughters and stayed with our five kids while Debbie drove to Danbury hospital to confirm Nicky had died in this freak accident. It was a long afternoon with our offspring. My armor was working because I do not remember what I said to the children as I tried to console them and to answer their questions.
The worst news imaginable was confirmed. Nicky was gone. At 14, a member of our family had given his life over as a sacrifice for all of us whose lives had been touched by this magical blue eyed boy. We had hard work ahead. We needed to notify Nicky’s Mom and sister Kim on a farm in Pioneer, Louisiana. How do you inform a mother that her son is dead?
Who will do it? What do you say? How do you say it over a phone line?
Do you call the police? Do you fly there to let her know in person?
My Vinny came forward and decided to make the call.
Kim’s fiancée who was most always in the field working the farm answered the phone.
Kim’s fiancée who was most always in the field working the farm answered the phone.
"Jay, Nicky has been in an accident."
"The worst has happened. Nicky is gone. We just had it confirmed."
Jay didn't want Vin to break the news to Kim. Jay carried that weight. I think Vin stayed on the line.
Jay didn't want Vin to break the news to Kim. Jay carried that weight. I think Vin stayed on the line.
It is times like these when if we really take time to be in the moments, the miserable, pain filled, frightening moments that we may actually recognize a morsel of mercy along with the pain and inconceivable grief that must be worked through. Kim and Michelle were not alone in the house when the news came to them. A sliver of love shone through on an afternoon which would mark all October's in our memory banks.
This morning I woke thinking of Nicky, Michelle, Kim, Nick. I thought about what I always think of on an autumn day when the leaves are painted with colors that bring my heart to much grief and to much love. We have watched 28 years come and go since Nicky left this plane of life and moved on.
Painter’s arrived here to continue with the work they started almost 2 weeks ago now. Paper work was sitting on the desk waiting to be processed. I got busy. A delivery arrived from UPS. I went outside to pick it up when I noticed a movement in the trees. Then I saw a hawk circling high above West Rocks. I am reminded to zoom out and to visualize things from on high with the precise vision of a hawk searching for a meal. This piece of writing was brought to me to share with you.
Whoever you are, whatever you are facing today, I recommend you stop. I recommend you take a deep breath. I recommend you exhale any questions, stress or pain within.
Finally, I recommend you envision this moment with the precise vision of a hawk in search of nourishment. Taste and see this moment as it is for it will pass and be gone from us straightaway. ~
I love you Kim. I love Michelle. xoxo
